rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
