Where did you get a picture of my penis
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
