Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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