Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I have aggressive nipples.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
