so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
