He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Alive.
So much puke
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
