I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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