I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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