woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
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