fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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