he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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