How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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