the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
