shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
