i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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