im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Alive.
So much puke
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
