why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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