If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
