Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
