I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
