after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
