How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
