Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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