I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.