The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.