great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I want a musical about memes.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
