Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it hurts more in the daytime
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
