you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
