If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
