i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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