tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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