Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
