I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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