Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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