I met the friendliest cop last night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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