I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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