I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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