Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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