I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
