five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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