Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
