I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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