Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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