There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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