i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
