I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
