My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
