I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I think I just sharted jello shots
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
