I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
