It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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