Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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