Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
