Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
