Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
