i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
