I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
