Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
