did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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