I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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