you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Operation Purity has been aborted
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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