Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
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he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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