I will die if light touches me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
